I have been blown away by the kindness shown to me during these last four months. I have found my home in the big heart of my Father and my friends. Praise God.
I have seen enough to know that your love’s the only anchor for my soul.
It’s true, I don’t know what I am doing here. I will be the first to admit that. I don’t have any conclusions or pearls of wisdom. I am not going to start making speculations about the purpose of the last 4 months or the life lessons that I have learned. I don’t know the end of this story so I am not going to pretend like I do. This probably all seems so random.
I spent the evening thinking about my recent move to Seattle. On tough days (ie. when I miss absolutely everything about Portland, when my dream job doesn’t seem to reach the expectations that I had set for it, when I kill myself with the ‘what ifs?’, and when I realize yet again the long road that is ahead of me) I challenge myself to see the bigger picture, but to be quite honest, I am struggling with that. It is frustrating. The thing is, I can tell myself that everything is going to get “better” soon. I can convince myself that it just takes time to adjust to so much change. But I really don’t know what “better” is and what does it mean to be adjusted? The road ahead is long, and I am beginning to accept the struggle. Sometimes it is better to embrace the frustration, rather than fight to cover it up. It is actually quite freeing. Rather than searching for answers and purpose and meaning, I accept the greater truth that I simply don’t know right now. It’s okay to not know.
These thoughts reminded me of one of my favorite bands, The Airborne Toxic Event. There exists these messy monologues that humans have at certain key moments in their lives and I love that TATE isn’t afraid to lay that out in their lyrics, even if that isn’t “indie.” I appreciate their raw transparency. I sometimes get sick of the ambiguity that our culture encourages. I find TATE’s music refreshing.
In a commentary regarding the creation of “The Secret,” a track off TATE’s newest album, Mikel states:
”For this record I remember thinking a lot about: ‘You don’t hand people your conclusions. You hand ‘em your struggle.’ That was always something I had in mind. So there I was.. I was struggling with the lyrics to this song. So one day I was in my house and I was like ‘Fuck this.’ I got in my car… and started driving. I must have driven for 3 hours around LA. I was trying to think about this song and what it was about and then it occurred to me. This song is about this. It’s about this drive, about being here, being now, being frustrated, not knowing what the hell to do with my life, with my time. So I pulled over to a bar and ordered a warm whiskey. And 1 became 3 and 3 became 5 and 5 became a taxi ride home… and then the song came out.” It existed the morning after like an inevitable hangover.
We can spend our whole lives (or in my case, 4 months) struggling to make sense of the madness, to find lyrics to the music. Or we can accept the fact that sometimes life is simply confusing and the unknown makes it beautiful.
She is beautiful, the kind of beautiful that makes you want to be fierce in her honor. She has a way of taking in the light from the sun, letting it warm her, reflecting it to the waters, and then lighting up everything and everyone around her. She knows that I am small and alone, yet she knows that I am here and alive and beating. She knows me, and I am very glad to have met her.
In the night, she is the sea. Unexplored and free. In the dawn, she is rich, warm coffee. Brilliant and renewing. Oh, how I can’t wait for there to exist old photographs of her and I, together, extending from each other. Oh, how I long for the day when my thoughts are filled with rosy memories. The sweetness will invade the crevices of my soul until laughter spills from aching jaw. In the meantime I will stay, waiting for that day.
I have enjoyed being present with people. I want to worry less about making friends, but instead take joy in the present moment. I want to breathe in the life of others around me. I am learning to let go of my insecurities. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know if I will spend time with these people again. We might not live life together tomorrow, but I am living life richly tonight and that is just fine with me.
J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye (via larmoyante)
Love this book. And this line. Perfect.